Confronting Arthritis

I have been teaching people how to live consciously and creatively by listening to their inner talk for many years. Inner talk is the software that directs our thoughts, feelings and actions. Because our inner talk is just below the level of our conscious awareness, we are often only partly aware of what effect those inner voices have on our every day lives. I found the value of being aware of my inner talk changed the direction of my life when I faced a life-threatening illness three years ago. Facing this crisis taught me the power inner talk has to influence the quality and direction of my life. My experiment with living consciously and creatively actually saved my life. Here is my story.

 As I sat on the shore of our local pond, one beautiful September day, I looked down at my hands, knees and ankles. I noticed they were swollen. When I stood up, to walk home, I had difficulty just getting up from my beach chair.  Within a day, simple physical tasks such as going up and down stairs became a chore. It was painful to open and close my hands. I couldn’t stand or sit for very long.  I couldn’t open up the toothpaste cap and squeezing it was even harder. Getting in and out of my car was required great effort. Typing on my keyboard was out of the question. I was caught by surprise by this sudden, strange and dramatic way my body was failing me. I consider myself a healthy person. I eat well, exercise regularly and I rarely ever catch a cold.  My first thought was that I might have Lyme disease but the blood tests proved otherwise.

After more tests, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, a chronic autoimmune disease that progressively worsens over time causing damage to the joints. It can lead to total disability, an increased risk of a heart attack and a shortened life span. There is no medical cure for this illness. This diagnosis came as a complete shock and immediately put me in an anxious state of mind. Staring fear in the face, I realized that I had a choice about how to deal with this life threatening illness. Could I heal myself using all the lessons I had been teaching in our workshops about living a conscious and creative life by listening to my own inner talk? Could I find serenity in this anxious time of my life?

My rheumatologist told me that the standard medication to treat the pain has serious side effects including liver damage. I would need to take this medication for at least one year to see if it was effective. When I asked how effective it was, he said it worked in 50% of the cases. He recommended that I start taking it immediately before any tissue damage occurred. I really didn’t want to take this medication but living with constant pain didn’t seem like an option either. I wasn’t ready to give up living my life, as I knew it just yet.

As I thought about my options, I realized that I had a choice to make. Was I going to listen to the voice of fear –in other words, my Toxic Voices that already were rushing in to take over and telling me what to do?  Or would I find my true voices of love- my Natural and Sacred Voices to comfort me and guide me through this illness.

I immediately heard those old familiar Toxic Voices giving me their advice. I heard a Gloomy Voice I named The Worried Alarmist telling me:

 This is an emergency and you better do something fast. I’m really worried about you. You poor thing. Your life has been so hard.  Now you are going to spend the rest of your life in pain. I told you something bad would happen to you. See what happens when you get old? You won’t be able to do any of the things you like to do. Forget exercise and being active, you won’t be able to take any more trips with Robert. You will not be able to play with your grandchildren. You thought your life would be easy and you could finally enjoy yourself. Well, think again.

This voice really made me feel sorry for myself and hopeless about the future. I felt like a powerless victim who better just accept her fate. After listening to her for a while, I heard another more positive voice- a glossy voice I named the False Comforter that said:

You’ll be fine. Just take the medication. Listen to your doctor- he’s the expert. Do what he tells you to do. Plenty of people take this drug and the sooner you take it the more effective it will be. If you don’t take it you will do more damage to your joints. It has a good chance of working and then you will not be in any pain. You can still have a few good years of life. Maybe you will be one of the lucky ones. Maybe this is not really arthritis and you will wake up one morning and feel great again.  People live with a lot worse than this. You are lucky you don’t have a terminal illness. Just enjoy your life and stop worrying.

While this voice made me feels better in the short run, it was what we call a Glossy Toxic Voice. It helped me counteract the Gloomy Voice, but did not have any realistic plan. Although both of these voices appeared to help me, they actually left me confused and stuck in a “comfort zone” where I was not taking any effective action just ruminating and worrying about myself. I decided banish these voices from my mind so that I could stay calm, think more clearly and hear my Natural Voice who could truly support me.

My Natural Voice also has two aspects but instead of the extremes of gloomy and glossy it is more realistic and loving. She helped me look at all my options. Like any good coach, she cares about my well being. One aspect I call my Opportunity Coach and the other my Adversity Coach.

My Opportunity Coach said:

You have time to think about this and come up with a clear plan before you agree to anything. You are a basically healthy person who has faced difficulties before and overcome them. We need to look at the options open to you besides medication. Let’s learn everything we can about arthritis and how other people have dealt with it. Let’s explore alternative ways to manage this illness. We can combine the best of conventional medicine with more natural remedies so that we have the most comprehensive and effective treatment. You have Robert to help you decide what to do and you live in a place where there are many alternative health practitioners and excellent medical care. I have confidence that you can learn and grow from this experience. Your body has the ability to heal itself.

The other aspect of my Natural Voice helped me stay strong while identifying the challenges that I faced.  My Adversity Coach advised me in a friendly, loving way. She said:

 Recognize that this is an autoimmune disease, which affects not only your joints but also your entire body. Remember your body, mind and spirit are connected so any plan you make needs to address every aspect of who you are. Your healing will have to be at the center of your life and your major focus until you get better. If your plan does not work, then we need to consider the medication and it’s side effects. Everyone faces challenges as they age and you have a choice about how you respond.

As I listened to these voices, I felt less anxious and more confident. They were telling me the truth with love and offering me a way to move forward that was realistic. These two voices motivated me to change my life. I learned all I could about rheumatoid arthritis and its treatments. I visited chat rooms to read what other people had had to say about their experience.  I researched alternative ways of healing. I decided to create a team of healers to support me. I was fortunate enough to have the resources available to me so that I wasn’t all alone. These practitioners became a vital part of my healing. I had a support system I could rely on for help and I committed myself to healing. I put together a natural program of healing including, yoga, meditation exercise, swimming, acupuncture, EMDR, (eye movement and desensitization response) massage and chiropractic. I started taking anti-inflammatory herbs instead of medication.

  By far, my most effective healer was Robert, my life partner who kept on seeing me as a healthy person. He gave me regular massages and encouraged me to  take care of myself everyday. He kept me going and gave me courage when I got depressed and hopeless and back into my Toxic Voice. He reminded me that this illness could be healed.  He encouraged me to explore my past, including any unresolved anger and to express it through my body, acting out physically any negative emotions I had been suppressing for years. He listened to me talk for hours. He was and is always there for me when I need him. Having a loving person’s constant support was and still is vital to my healing.

My acupuncturist taught me that by eliminating certain foods, I could help reduce inflammation in my joints, which in turn would mean I would be in less pain when I moved my body. This meant no dairy, no sugar, no wheat, no caffeine and no alcohol. When I told other people about this new diet, they would add “and no fun”! I re-defined what fun was. Fun was eating well and feeling better. Fun was staying off medication and taking care of myself. Fun was feeling less swelling in my joints. Fun was feeling better in my body losing thirty pounds, which helped reduce the pressure on my knees and ankles. I felt as if I had my younger leaner body back despite the illness.

Besides my new diet, I enrolled in a gentle yoga class. Yoga gave me an experience of complete calmness in my body, mind and spirit. It gave me a form or exercise that was gentle enough for me to do as I learned how to pay attention to each part of my body, breathing in positive energy and letting go of blocked energy. Practicing yoga daily strengthened my body and allowed me to feel the progression of healing in a visceral way. After my yoga sessions, I felt better- more centered and connected as a whole person. It felt like a massage I was giving my self.

But there was more to do. I called on my Sacred Voice for help facing the deeper anxieties of a serious illness. I found that the best way to contact her was through regular meditation and breathing. Meditation taught me how to breathe fully and stay emotionally aware. For the first time in my life, I felt totally relaxed and at peace. Through meditation, I connected with my true loving self and let myself be guided by a force greater than my ego.

Like my Toxic and Natural Voices, my Sacred Voice has two aspects, -the Light and the Dark Angel. My Light Angel helped me tap into my inner strength and to find courage to face this illness. She said, Trust your body’s wisdom to heal. Visualize your healing. You are safe with me. You can completely relax even in the face of your illness. I will be there to guide you through this difficult time. She helped me stay calm and feel hopeful about my future. She reminded me that I had inner resources and personal power.

My Dark Angel helped me accept and surrender to the suffering and sickness that happens in life. She helped me accept my body just as it is right now. She said:  Remember you do not have ultimate control over what happens to you in life. You are experiencing the aging process, which happens to everyone even you.You do have control over your response to life. The inflammation you are feeling is not only physical. It is a symbol of your anger, fear and anxiety toward life, which is blocking your life energy. You need to accept your life and forgive other people. You have not felt safe in the world for a long time and this fear has created a tension in you body, which has accumulated over the years. Release your anger and your tension through forgiveness and acceptance so your body can heal.

When I started exploring the connection between my inflammation, anger and fear, I could feel that part of me that has always been fearful and has felt unsafe. It is this part of me that caused my body to be in a constant lifelong state of tension as a result of growing up in an alcoholic home. I found that EMDR was extremely helpful in bringing back buried and unresolved feelings from long ago. This method involves rapid eye movement, which triggers old memories.

With Robert’s, help, I examined the connection between my body, mind and spirit and explored the deeper reasons why my immune system was overreacting. I worked on letting go of anger and tension so I could heal old wounds. I made a decision to focus every day on my own needs rather than the needs of everyone else.

During my daily meditations, I imagined my inflammation and my anger as a black, sticky tar in my body, which was keeping me stuck so I couldn’t move. As I breathed in, I sent healing energy to my body imagining my breath dissolving the tar. As I breathed out, I imagined the tar leaving my body. I imagined my guides there with me helping me to remove this tar with their breath and hands. Robert often gave me a massage to help me regain a sense of peace in my body and mind and spirit. During my massages and meditations, I experienced complete relaxation and a total sense of well-being.

I did not know if my plan would actually work. Within a few weeks, I was encouraged when the swelling in my wrists and knees decreased by 80%. I was amazed at how quickly my new life style decreased the swelling in my joints and improved my health.This really motivated me to keep up the program and to continue to visualize my healthy self.

If I had listened to my Toxic Voices, I know that I would still be in a state of fear and anxiety, confused and angry with my lot in life. I would probably be on medication while continuing to eat the foods that promote inflammation and wondering if the medication was working. I would be simultaneously feeding the inflammation while suppressing it with drugs causing further damage to my immune system.

Listening to my Natural and Sacred Voices took me in a different direction. I was able to respond effectively to reality and take action that helped me heal my body, mind and spirit. I learned more about living with self- awareness. This experience taught me that when I respond to life’s challenges consciously, I am more fully alive and aware. I learned that my body could re-vitalize and heal through a natural, simple way of living. I learned that I have the self-discipline to change old habits and behaviors.

My personal experiment in conscious and creative living taught me the power that inner talk has in my life. Once I became aware of my anxiety and my toxic fear, I was able to face it directly with the support of my Natural and Sacred Voices. Instead of simply reacting to my illness, I could respond using my clear and most creative thinking. I experienced a deep sense of how my body, mind, emotions and spirit are all connected. I can say with confidence that listening to my inner talk saved my life!

Three years later I am committed to my new life style of eating, meditating and practicing yoga. I’m feeling healed, energized and happy. Although I still have some minor joint stiffness, I am not taking any medication at all. I am able to walk and exercise freely, work in my garden and play on the floor with my grandchildren. I am glad that I choose to look fear in the face and respond with love. Listening to my Natural and Sacred Voices gave me my life back again. And, I will always be grateful to Robert for giving me a way to understand my inner talk and see how it shapes every aspect of my life.

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